THE THINGS WE CARRY

Sometimes you must put them down....

AN ALPHA & BETA STORY

Beta moves more slowly than Alpha. She’s almost always on the brink of being late. And when they were young, I had certain rules for chores and when to be at the breakfast table on school days. When they weren’t on time without a good reason, not an excuse, there were consequences.

We had one of those mornings when Beta couldn’t get it in gear. She was late to the table. I addressed it and meted out the penalty. Minutes later, angry at getting in trouble, Beta lashed out at Alpha over some trivial thing. [Understand that they are twins—Alpha’s five minutes older—and friction arises.] Alpha did not take that quietly, so the breakfast table became a volleying ground for harsh words.

Now, I understand getting pissed off... when I’m pushed too far and go off it’s not always productive. I know this and work hard not to let that happen. I try to teach my girls how to deal with anger. So, I did this:

“You girls want to hear a story?” They turned to look at me. It broke up the punch-counterpunch of comments flying back and forth. I asked again, “Do you want to hear a story?” Both heads nodded.

I told them:

Once, two monks were on a pilgrimage [I explained to them what that meant], an older one who had been on several and a young monk on his first. One day, they came to the edge of a river. It was turbulent, roiling, with several days of rain in the mountains feeding it. It would prove difficult, but not impossible, to cross; they were both powerful men. They heard crying. Nearby, under a willow tree, a woman sat weeping. In her hands was a small bag she clutched to her chest. She heard them and looked up.

“Please help me… I’m afraid to cross.” She gestured at the river and gripped her bag tighter. “But I must get home.”

The young monk turned his back on her. Their order was forbidden to speak to or touch women. But the older monk picked up the woman and, without a word, forged the river. He put her down on the other side. With thanks he didn’t respond to, she turned to the right-hand path and hurried away. The older monk continued straight ahead, and the younger came after him. They walked in silence for another mile. After crossing the river, the young monk fumed (I defined that word for them) in anger. He berated the older monk: “How could you do that — the woman… you’ve broken your vows.” He continued talking to him that way for another mile. Finally, the older monk stopped and turned to him.

“I only carried her across the river. Are you still carrying her?”

I waited for a beat so they’d realize that was the end. Then I asked, “Do you understand what he—the older monk—meant?” I saw the wheels turning behind their eyes as a minute passed. Alpha raised her hand [yes, they usually did that with me in a straightforward question-and-answer situation]. I nodded at her.

“The young monk needs to stop being angry.” She looked at Beta.

Beta was still edgy as I replied to Alpha, “That’s right. Sometimes we carry things too long… far past when we should put them down and move on without them.” I looked at Beta and said, “That’s something to think about,” and left it at that.

With things settled down, we finished breakfast, and soon they were off to school. I thought it another little teaching moment they hopefully took to heart.

Epilogue

The next day, Saturday morning, we had many chores to do. Beta and Alpha, angry at each other over something, had another incident. A minor one that could’ve grown larger. I squinted at Beta, and she dropped the fight but was cold toward Alpha as they did their chores. About an hour later, when I was making D’achos (Dad’s nachos) for them for lunch, Beta came up to me at the stove.

“Dad?”

“Yes, honey.”

She gestured for me to lean down so she could whisper something. “I put the woman down….” Beta had a smile on her face. A moment later, I heard her apologize to Alpha.